Surgery Blues

I'm heading back to the hospital today for another "procedure."  Isn't there some joke about aging and counting the procedures in your life?  

Since my surgery I've developed something called a seroma.  It's like someone left a 5" diameter rubber ball just under my skin below the bellybutton.  It reminds me of a capenter's level because if I lie on one side it shifts up toward the ceiling, except it's not an air bubble, but fluid-filled.  I'm going into Deaconess today to have an ultrasound to make sure that there's no hernia beneath it and if not, then they're going to drain it.  I believe that includes a needle and I'm not too excited except that I've lived through 2 amnios, so I'm sure I'll live through this.  If there's a hernia, I don't know what will happen.  Possibly more surgery.

We took a chemo class this week to find out all the ins and outs of chemotherapy.  There seem to be no hard and fast rules because every body reacts in an individual way, but low white cell counts and red cell counts seem universal.  Hair loss, too, given the type of drugs I'll have to take.  I asked how long a chemo session lasts because on the video they showed, there was a woman with a little syringe going in her arm.  I'm thinking an hour max.  When I told her what drugs I was getting she said I'd be there 6 hours.  6 hours!  Are you kidding?  Then she said that was just the first time.  After that they could probably get it down to 4 1/2 or 5 hours.  Guess I'll have to bring lots to do.  I wonder if you can get up to go to the bathroom?  Probably, huh?

I feel really good lately.  I'm getting my energy back and except for the rubber ball in my belly, I would really like to start exercising again.  But alas, I'm supposed to wait another 3 weeks except for walking.  Of course, walking here in Spokane is definitely taking your life in your hands, what with all the ice, snow, berms, etc.  I really miss skiing and skating, dancing (of course!) yoga, Pilates, and all the other stuff I took for granted.  I started acupuncture this week to strengthen my immune system.

The weird thing is that I don't feel like I have anything wrong with me.  I have a hard time saying that I'm sick or that I have cancer because deep down, I believe that my cancer was removed with the ovary.  I know it sounds like magical thinking, but I don't believe that I have any cancer left.  I'm looking at chemo like it's an insurance policy, in case there are any stray cells floating around in me.  

But ovarian cancer is a deadly killer because there are no real symptoms.  I never had any.  I went in because I was having endometriosis pain from a cyst on my ovary.  The cancer was a surprise.  I did have a series of horrible nightmares about death and being buried alive prior to my first surgery.  I just thought it was because I am turning 51 this month and that was the age my sister, Janet, was when she was diagnosed with her cancer.  She died when she was 52.  I thought it was psychological, but now I wonder if the body has a wisdom and it was trying desperately to get my attention.

I spoke with a lovely woman in Norfolk, VA a couple of nights ago.  She was given my number by the Cancer Hope Network because she had the same type and stage of ovarian cancer as me.  She had it 14 years ago, so there is long-term survival out there.  Clear cell is kind of rare.  My oncologist only sees 1 or 2 cases of it a year.  So it's good to meet someone who has gone through it all.

I continue to feel so blessed by all of you who are supporting the whole family through this.  We joined a support group for families and I think it'll be good for the boys.  They're looking forward to skiing/boarding when Jesse gets the green light from the orthopedist (next Monday, we hope.)  Then I can put them on the bus to Mt. Spokane and they can get some use out of their equipment this year.  They can use the exercise and the fun.  We had to take them out of their activities like fencing and taekwando because it was too much stress on us to get them to sessions.  It'll be fine.  Spring is coming.